Some people want the cars.  Some people want to travel the world.  Some people want the hoes.I want a giant statue of Wally Szczerbiak in my living room.  I’m thinking about 14 feet tall and carved out a single elephant tusk.  The statue will be of Wally holding in his arms a “baby Wally” and they will be staring into each other’s eyes looking into eternity.It is the least I can do to honor the man that has been like an older brother to me.

When I hear the name Wally Szczerbiak I think of one word: Hope and opportunity.  Wally represents the everyman.  The idea that if you are 6’7” with a sniper like 3-point shot who possesses un-humanlike work ethic combined with supreme upper and lower body strength along with deceptive quickness and a high basketball IQ with perfectly manicured eye-brows not to mention rock hard 6-pack abs and a perfectly chiseled facial bone structure then you too can make it to the NBA and be the envy of 14 year old girls all over the world.

So how did he rise to fame?  Growing up, Wally was a legend, a phenom, and a prodigy all at the same time.  He lost his virginity to Miss Arizona during half time of the state championship where he scored 100 points despite only being in 9th grade and 5’3”. 

Now I know what you are thinking.  I am just some obsessed fan for no particular reason.

Let me ask you this question: How many other people do you know that start their last name with 4 consecutive consonants?  According to Wikipeida this act is illegal in the state of Montana.

Let me ask you another question: How many other professional athletes do you know that use not 1, but 2 entire bottles of hair gel before every game and then apply another bottle during halftime?  Would you be shocked if I told you that Cavs trainer Max Benton carries a spare bottle with him at all times just in case.

You thought Ray Allen was the only NBA player to star in a major Hollywood film.  Did you know that the producers of Zoolander originally cast Wally to star in the film, however, three weeks into production he was creeped out by Owen Wilson’s vibe, so they re-cast the film to star Ben Stiller.

How God-like is Wally? Do you have an attractive sister, cousin, mother, teacher, or daughter?  Wally slept with her.  That girl who works at the UPS store that is really cute but you’re not sure if she’s in college or high school because she looks kind of young so you don’t hit on her.  Wally slept with her too.  And that nurse at your doctor’s office that always wears a thong, so sometimes you fake like you’re sick just to go to the doctors office to see her thong.  Wally slept with her too.

When I was 17 years old and deciding on what colleges to apply to my father got me a book describing every college. 
Brian: You just wasted $20 because I’m going where Wally Szczerbiak went to college.
My Dad: And where is that?
Brian: I’m not sure.

So after I explained to my dad what Google was we “Googled” it and figured out he went to Miami of Ohio.

And every year Wally comes back to Miami to visit his alma mater.  In 2007 it was reported by the Miami Student that 13 girls got pregnant in just 3 days.  Wally made two demands: First, that every child be named Wally.  His second demand was that every child would have the middle name also be Wally.

I was lucky enough to meet Wally one time in person.  We were both eating dinner at Bar Louie, a popular restaurant in Cleveland, and there he was in person.  He was sitting in a booth with 4 beautiful women and he was eating a chicken club sandwich on white break.  I saw my idol, so I had to say hello.

Brian: Mr. Szczerbiak…Can I bother you for an autograph?
Wally: Sure kid, why not.

And Wally took the sharpie that I was holding in my hand and signed the bread on top of the very sandwich that he was eating.  As he handed me the sandwich he said to me one sentence that will be engrained in my mind for the rest of my life:

Wally: Kid...You’re gonna want to refrigerate that because there’s mayo on it and it might spoil.

As a Wally fan, I’m faced with a huge dilemma.  Due to his expiring contract, Wally is looked at as a possible bargaining chip in a trade, if the Cavs look to acquire another superstar to build a championship caliber team.  As a fan for the past 3 months, I urge Danny Ferry to resist the temptation of Vince Carter among others.  Think about what he means for this franchise. Think about Miss Arizona.  Think about the girl that works at the UPS store.  Think about your sister Kimberly.  Think about the nurse at Dr. Powel’s office and her yellow thong. Think about the waitress and the look on her face when I asked her to get me a box to put my autographed sandwich in.  Think about the hair gel company that will most certainly go out of business if we get rid of Wally.  But most of all, think about Wally.